DawnOwar's Blog

Its about to be new years eve and I'm doing the last wrapup of year end stuff so i felt like i should post here. Its as over as i think its going to be. I still have nerve damage, which is funny because i was sure that was healing the whole time and now im not so sure. I think i have to live like this probably always but it is at a manageble level. It gets worse with eating a lot of sugar or drinking alcohol or certain fabrics or detergents. I haven't been drinking but I've been doing all the other things. I recently got new dryer sheets that are meant to be extra great at removing pet hair but it leaves a sort of residue and my skins been bad lately so probably thats why. I'm going to go back to what i was doing before and that includes eating right and exercising since its New years and thats what you do in january. I've been sick most of the last three months but its normal sicknesses just back-to-back stuff. I have a sinus thing and a lingering bronchitis that w...

 So i found some investments to sell and i can pay off the bulk of my debt i incurred for this whole nightmare and i have some spending money now maybe and im thinking about doing fun things and spending some money maybe doing things to make me happy and isnt that fucking awesome im mostly ok its been hard to get in the mindset im ok now i ran into an old friend and i was basically teling him how everything is terrible.. but im ok now mostly.. and hes like maybe you just have a hard time believing things are OK. he said he does this and hes all doom and gloom for no reason sometimes because he had a hard time of things for a long time. and im like yeah thats exactly what im doing because everything *is* ok now im not exactly back to where i was but pretty close and ive spent the last few months relaxing finaly because i can and enjoying that things are ok but somehow when i tell people my story it all comes out doom and gloom anyway still. i havent got my social life on track again...

 So boyfriend had to move to indiana and that was a huge relief because its hard for me to be in any relationship and even harder to be in one that doesn't suit me at all. Not gonna get into specifcs because theres no reason to do what may seem like slander the man but that was no relationship for me. I tried really hard, because i think maybe the reason im perpetually single is because I dismiss pretty much everyone too quickly... so i did the even dumber thing this time of not fleeing as my instincts were telling me and sticking with it too long and i feel like I may have hurt his feelings when I should have dipped out like right away.  I was never really feeling it, i was just sticking around trying to. hoping those feelings would come but mostly i only got confirmation again and again and again that i would rather do almost anything but spend time with this man, by spending time with this man and wishing i wasn't.  so thats the good news because im focusing on my love...

i dont read my previous entries i just sort of word vomit here on this blog that i believe no one reads anyway. but i started doing these updates when everything was awful and unknown and even thugh its crazy to me its taken 3 years im finally on the other end of it all. i got these green chairs which id been looking for to replace my one green chair i used to have before all this. it just makes the room look right and ive been looking for green ones since before i moved back in. bought a pink one but it was never right. these green ones are exactly right and i have exactly the right amount of space for them and they make the room look bigger and brighter and it makes me very happy. but now i need carpet. which was one of those things iwasnt going to even think about getting until i paid down at least the credit card. id kind of decided id pay off the loan the painful way over many many years. But i had a sort of unexpected windfall in stock investing today somehow and without putting ...

 I've been super sleepy lately but ive also done a bunch of stuff im so happy to have my clothes back i went on a roadtrip to see my rockstar and a proper date with my new guy who im still undecided about but trying to live in the moment. I'm just still trying to get my body back in shape and pay off my bills and dating takes time and money i dont have  in a lot of ways hes a great match for me so im trying to stay in that place in my head. after so much doom and gloom and solitary confinment and suffering for years its weirdly hard to be out and about and try to stay sociable and happy. but then it also came right back and its so very natural  i spent money i dont have to spend but i also did stuff i know i wont regret. dont regret but i still need to finish what i started here. my house is so comfortable now which is so great and i just want to hang out in it by myself after spending years not being this comfortable and hanging out by myself in misery. its just hard to ...

 So heres where im at today. through some weird accidental trial and error, i discovered that i was having a reaction to my laundry detergent.   i'm not even sure i recall the whole discovery process but here i am on the other side and ive found a detergent i like that smells nice (ivory gentle aloe) that not only is not irritating my skin but i've literally washed the shirt i was wearing a lot that first week when i was exposed to the flea spray that ruined my life and gave me nerve damage and made my skin so sensitive to everything from soaps to lotions to lidocaine gel. Once i figured it out i felt dumb for not being able to figure it out for so long. but i dont know any way i could have got there sooner in reality just that finally everything made sense and it seems so obvious now 3 yrs later after ive found the answer. So i washed that shirt and a few other old things. most of my stuff that was directly exposed to "the stuff" is long gone now but there was that t...

 took it to the laundromat washed it 2x with clear detergent It was a mix of things from the apartment from the load i washed 10x and still couldnt wear but now i know it was likely the detergent i was using i was reacting to so im very optimistic that is solved and if that is true then i can wear any/all my clothes going forward and wash them in my new machines which would be awesome. im really ready to have one wardrobe with pieces i actually like again. But there are a couple of things in this load that definitely from the before-times that were for-sure exposed directly to "the stuff" that caused all this in the first place so its possible ive just contaminated the entire load of clothes or its possible i've solved everything or its possible some shade of in-between. I brought back the plastic dresser so i can keep these clothes separate but im going to try wearing them and see what happens. because pretty much everything depends on it. The sensations in my back have ...

 So i am pretty sure i have figured out what happened to me. I mean i know the flea spray gave me nerve damage. but after that why i didnt get better and i kept on getting worse when I tried to clean things and when I tried to move home. I think i put this in my last entry but i'm going over it again Basically i have a new washer and dryer now because i could still smell "THE SMELL" in my dryer and i'd spent so much time and energy trying to wash "THE STUFF" out of that load of clothes from my apartment that somehow got infected. I thought from a stray sock or something.  It didnt make any sense but i just got sicker and sicker and sicker Couldnt wash it out no matter how many times i tried, it still smelled like that and it was making me sick so it was time to leave the apartment and go home once i wasnt safe there anymore. Then it was just causing me expense and misery. I was so unhappy having to live there. I tried to make the best of it at first and the ...

 I feel like i never update this but i solidly check in about once a month it seems. So where are we now?  I got my insurance license and along with it a raise putting my new job's salary at a much higher level than where I'd be at if i never said fuck this and left my cushy work-from-home job. And the work is easier imho. More pleasant. im still learning but its an easier day all around, normal biz hrs and I can theoretically have a life outside of work now. with that license came a lot of stress gone now i dont have to study and i dont have to worry about passing the test or doing all the things and more training after that to be able to do the new things at work that are getting me the more money.  Which will pay for what I still owe from the whole awful flea-spray incident that turned my whole life upside down and made me live in some perpetual horror in which i was being attacked by an unseen unknown enemy for over 2 years. But the good news is that after much suffer...