The clothes

 So i am pretty sure i have figured out what happened to me.

I mean i know the flea spray gave me nerve damage.

but after that why i didnt get better and i kept on getting worse when I tried to clean things and when I tried to move home.

I think i put this in my last entry but i'm going over it again

Basically i have a new washer and dryer now because i could still smell "THE SMELL" in my dryer and i'd spent so much time and energy trying to wash "THE STUFF" out of that load of clothes from my apartment that somehow got infected. I thought from a stray sock or something. 

It didnt make any sense but i just got sicker and sicker and sicker

Couldnt wash it out no matter how many times i tried, it still smelled like that and it was making me sick so it was time to leave the apartment and go home once i wasnt safe there anymore. Then it was just causing me expense and misery.

I was so unhappy having to live there. I tried to make the best of it at first and the longer it went on the sadder i was to have to live there and i didnt know if i could ever go home and it was so upsetting. Once i started being sick there too.. well anyway i went home. first time was a fail because i *thought* i got re-exposed to the stuff and brought it back with me somehow.

Second time i came home i didnt really have a lot of other choices and i was here and i was sick and i just suffered through it. did my laundry at the laundromat using clear detergent and eventually once i figured out it was small fiber neuropathy and not a current exposure to anything, i started treating it as such and i started slowly getting better.

I didnt mean to tell the whole story anyway... 

So cut to the chase i just used my old detergent in my new machines and the smell.. the smell it turns out is not "the stuff" its a smell that stays in certain fabrics after using my old detergent. this is a HE machine so i used a lot less detergent and i could still smell it. but only on some things. and i wore a tshirt that irritated me from that load

so i figured it out. the stuff gave me Small Fiber Neuropathy and i spent all this time trying to wash it out using this detergent that was giving me a reaction. and making that smell in my clothes. which i was right was the stuff making my skin angry and making me sick because I have SFN and it irritates it.

and back then i was sick to my stomach and my heart would race and I had a laundry list of other awful symptoms.

So i was right but i was wrong 

and i probably didnt need to get rid of a lot of my stuff i did and i probably cost myself a ton of money and incovenience and emotional trauma trying and failing to figure this out.

But the good news is that now.. two and a half years later... i believe i can rescue the clothes that i saved.

I got rid of anything directly exposed to the stuff right away.

and i got rid of half my stuff that i probably didnt need or want anymore anyway. 

and the rest i put in the garage hoping id figure it out one day or else be able to wait it out. I think i determined early on that this stuff should wear off by itself in 3-5 years. 

its 2 1/2 already.

So i have every reason to believe I can rescue that load i couldnt rescue after 10 washes by washing it with clear detergent. I'm gonna try this experiment and if it works then basically all my stuff is OK.

I really want my clothes back.

I've been counting calories and working out successfully for a month now. I mean to keep on doing this till i fit back into them. hoping that all comes together in a few months.

and then i need new carpet.

oh and to pay for the rest of what i owe from this nightmare adventure.

but i have a  much better job now and it seems like thats all very possible and im back to my goal of being debt free in a couple of years. its just taking me a lot longer than orginally planned.

then I have other things to spend my money on fixing up the house. 

and then i just live here happily ever after till i die.

thats the plan.

I still have SFN but its healing. i swear it. very very slowly but i feel the difference and i know its healing. i dont know if it'll ever completely heal but im already in a place wehre i can live with what residual symptoms i have left. its mostly just prickly/itchy/tingly skin and a spot on my tounge thats numb. 

i havent even told the people i work with the whole saga because theres no reason for them to know about it. its just not a thing thats a current issue.

What a luxury.

and the people who helped me through it have moved on with themselves.

ones in the hospital now and i really want to help him the way he helped me but his people don't really know me and arent calling upon me for help and i dont really know whats going on or how i can be of assistance.

I'm just so happy that he was there for me.