Making a comeback

 So heres where im at today.

through some weird accidental trial and error, i discovered that i was having a reaction to my laundry detergent.  

i'm not even sure i recall the whole discovery process but here i am on the other side and ive found a detergent i like that smells nice (ivory gentle aloe) that not only is not irritating my skin but i've literally washed the shirt i was wearing a lot that first week when i was exposed to the flea spray that ruined my life and gave me nerve damage and made my skin so sensitive to everything from soaps to lotions to lidocaine gel.

Once i figured it out i felt dumb for not being able to figure it out for so long.

but i dont know any way i could have got there sooner in reality

just that finally everything made sense and it seems so obvious now 3 yrs later after ive found the answer.

So i washed that shirt and a few other old things.

most of my stuff that was directly exposed to "the stuff" is long gone now but there was that time in the apartment when i started having reactions to everything again. when i moved back in and then back out again.... but i definitely changed laundry detergent in that time. because i found a big bottle in the basement when i moved back. and i took it to the apartment with me. so it all makes perfect sense now.

if only i figured it out sooner i could have saved myself so much grief and money.

at least i think so. i dont even know for sure

anyway ive been wearing the old clothes washed in the new detergent and not only did i not get any worse, i actually healed in that time what feels like quite a lot. I'm not sure if its just any healing seems like a lot or what but after a few weeks of that Ive decided its ok to mix up my clothes

and i have plans to go through all my old stuff, wash everything and pick and choose what to keep and what to get rid of.

still dont have my body back in a shape to fit this stuff but i can still squeeze into my old sports bras and stretchy pants. I havent tried on many of my dresses because i heart them and ill be sad if i cant put them on me and look cute in them. but theyre all in the house now. and ive basically started mixing up my workout clothes successfully. 

I'm loving having so many choices of things to wear that i like. but i do think a lot of these things fit me a little snugger than id like.

Meanwhile im doing more and more in my workout classes so thats good. 

hoping it translates into weight loss at some point.

also im back on my diet after my birthday celebrations and vacation. FInally spent some money on fun and did some things that made me happy. I still have debt but its at a level lower than where i started at the beginning of covid so its what i call a comfortable level of debt.

starting to feel more myself again now im out and about and doing things with people and talking to people.

my one friend gave me a huge canvas print of a pic of me and gonzo

it reminds me of that day when i was with friends who no longer speak to me. so it was sort of a sad memory for me even though other people seem to love it. I hung it on the wall anyway to see what I think and im starting to see it as a nice gift from a good friend and a literal pic of me embracing my inner weirdo.

I like my new job thank goodness. once i mostly learned how to navigate the system and answer peoples questions correctly and i passed my test and got my license and my raise that goes with it and i can breathe now and just enjoy the job. cause its pretty sweet.

and im talking to a guy. a guy i used to know who just randomly popped back up into my life and idk if itll turn out to be anything or not but today we sure seem like we could be a match. it'd be so cool if that were true. Romance never works out for me so its hard to even ease myself into the idea of having hope again. 

I have a date on saturday w him and i cant wait

and i have tix for a show on thurs and im gonna go see my rock star on the next weekend. I've gotta do a proper road trip which i want to be more excited about than i am but things have been weird between us for a long time and i dont really have the money to spend on this trip. So im doing it as cheaply as possible but i aim to do some sightseeing real quick and come back home for my 2nd date with my new guy which we already decided we were gonna do before i moved shit up to this weekend. i cant wait weeks to spend time irl with him. its too exciting just that we seem to like each other and we seem to be well suited to each other.

its weird cause i knew him a very long time ago and we werent then.

It's super-exciting and i havent felt that way about anyone or anything in a very long time.

My back is still full of weird sensations. well my skin kind of everywhere. but thats about all the symptoms i have anymore. and i need time to go through everything. but ill have that since i'm overspending big time this month and ill need to stay home and catch up on bills at some point.

but not now. 

becuase im just finally getting my life back.

or some life back

a new life.

i find him so exciting because he is the promise of doing something new and different and no roadtrip to see my rockstar or local show or new guy has even made me feel like I really even wanted to do these things.... but him.. i want to just go have adventures with him and live in his universe for a minute and do things i havent done a million times already with someone new.

even though he is old.

but that makes him better because i feel like i have an added layer of security since he knows what hes getting himself into.

it was so wonderful and exhausting and unbelievable to find this great new job and learn it and make it part of my life. It was stressful and awesome and i felt like on the one hand i deserved it after everything id been through, and on the other that it cant be real and it cant last because good things dont happen to me.

i feel that same energy around this guy

and i feel like i keep questioning myself about whether or not i should even dare to believe this could be just all great with no downside like my job turned out to be.

and then i feel so lucky this is what im worried about now

and not dying or figuring out how to live in my house

and that even though im still worried about what to wear, i have all the choices available now

im not sick and im home and my home is nice and my cats and me made it through the whole ordeal together, and we are on the other side now.

I bought a laundry cart like at the laundromats because it was the only thing i missed about going there really. I got rid of my drying rack and put my clothes from the garage in that spot till i can go through everything. i may need new dressers still once I figure out what clothes i'm keeping. i dont know wehre they all fit exactly but it may be fine im not sure yet. 

but this month is for socializing and getting back into the world

clothes or no clothes

april ill set the hot tub back up and if all goes well invite my guy to come over here and maybe we fall in love and live happily ever after and spend the summer not spending money in my backyard together.

its a nice dream i couldnt have even thought of two and a half years ago.

and my back is healing

i swear it

i think ive said that the whole entire time

but it is.