zzzzzz

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 I've been super sleepy lately but ive also done a bunch of stuff

im so happy to have my clothes back

i went on a roadtrip to see my rockstar and a proper date with my new guy

who im still undecided about but trying to live in the moment. I'm just still trying to get my body back in shape and pay off my bills and dating takes time and money i dont have 

in a lot of ways hes a great match for me so im trying to stay in that place in my head.

after so much doom and gloom and solitary confinment and suffering for years its weirdly hard to be out and about and try to stay sociable and happy.

but then it also came right back and its so very natural 

i spent money i dont have to spend but i also did stuff i know i wont regret. dont regret

but i still need to finish what i started here.

my house is so comfortable now which is so great

and i just want to hang out in it by myself after spending years not being this comfortable and hanging out by myself in misery. its just hard to believe im even here. 

i literally would hold on to my cats in that apartment telling them how i just want to go home. and then when i got back i still wasnt safe and it took so long to rebuild everything and to figure everything out and stop being sick and get all my stuff replaced or returned and to feel safe again in my own house. in my own body.

and im so thankful here i am doing it

especiallliy since another friend had a stroke.

im exercisign. been rehabbing my back for a year now.

and im almost back to where i started. well not really because i was in really good shape just then at the end of covid but im back to where i was before i got really fit at the end there.

my body is still flabby tho and i'd like to remedy that.

and i still dont have carpet

and i still need new dressers. or rather i really need new dressers now.

or to fix these ones i have now. havent decided. but its not done yet

and im always looking for a green chair and i dont think everything will be 100% over until my skin doesnt tingle and itch and creep and crawl anymore. and i dont know if that will ever happen honestly. but  i feel like in a few years ill have everything paid off and my skin will be healed and my house will be carpeted and my backyard will be fixed and everything will be perfect and grand.

thats probably not true.

if ive learned anything through this whole thing its that you always need something no matter what.

Im just glad i got to do all this stuff and feel like mysefl for a minute and forget for a couple of weeks that ive been through hell and back and i'm not actually finished digging out yet.

So i gotta finish now

so i can just look forward

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