is this over now finally?

i dont read my previous entries i just sort of word vomit here on this blog that i believe no one reads anyway. but i started doing these updates when everything was awful and unknown and even thugh its crazy to me its taken 3 years im finally on the other end of it all.

i got these green chairs which id been looking for to replace my one green chair i used to have before all this. it just makes the room look right and ive been looking for green ones since before i moved back in.

bought a pink one but it was never right. these green ones are exactly right and i have exactly the right amount of space for them and they make the room look bigger and brighter and it makes me very happy.

but now i need carpet.

which was one of those things iwasnt going to even think about getting until i paid down at least the credit card. id kind of decided id pay off the loan the painful way over many many years.

But i had a sort of unexpected windfall in stock investing today somehow and without putting any real details in here, i never thought that one stock would ever get that high and i had an automatic sell order in if it ever did and today while i was not paying attention, it sold and i have cash now to cover the bulk of my debt just like that. 

I know im very fortunate to be in this position at all but ive been trying to pay my bills the old fashioned way by working for money and i think eventually i would have got there. So i was trying to leave my investments be to continue to grow while im working and making money anyway. In the midst of all my suffering in the covid years i managed to unintentionally grow my career so it made sense.

But i can tell you i did a huge sigh of relief when I got the notification of the sale when it hit me that i can pay that loan off and be done with the worst of the financial consequences of this awful situation. I'm still suffering physical consequences but its all very manageable now and i can live a normal life where im at now. and i still believe im healing very slowly and maybe ill be normal physically one day maybe.

The financial part has been big stress so this is huge. 

I figured out that my skin was reacting to my detergent and then i was able to bring my clothes back in. THat was huge. I've been not quite fitting into my old clothes which is a bummer and i've been very female-hormonal as of late. i think menopause has finally come to get me but i'm still determined to figure that out for myself and hopefully get back into my clothes. i mean i can fit in them they just dont look as good as they used to. I feel like i can diet and exercise that and ill be ok.

My body is so much stronger that it was since i fell out of shape with the covid lockdown. my back is rehabbed now and i can step up my exercise i think if i just actually do it. but im feeeling so motivated now its getting warmer and iwant to wear less and look cute and go out now.

I was telling everyone when i went out last night that i miss it and i want to go out more but i dont have money for all that and someone offered to guest list me. I remember now how i used to go out so much. gets cheaper more you do it. I was talking with a guy i often used to stand next to in bars and he was saying he doesnt go out as much now he doesnt get in free everywhere anymore either and now that covers are $10  may as well stay at home instead of risk checking out new bands. 

but everyone was out last night and it ruled and i remembered how i used to love going out and i think i should do more of that.

and at the same time in the same breath i was like but ugh i have bills to pay that are going to take me forever to pay off and i still need carpet and new dressers after that.

i want real wood dressers because i feel like the fabric drawer ones i have now.. the cats have destroyed them. i like them for so many reasons but also the arent very deep and i cant fit my socks in the bedroom. Theyre in the living room right now which is weird. but i think theyve been in the living room a long time so probably they just live in the living room now. maybe i dont need new dressers. that socks dresser is kind of a table with the new green chairs and maybe thats fine.

i can recover and/or repaint the fabric dressers maybe idk

but either way i should get the carpet done first since its much easier to move those fabric dressers

omg i can get carpet soon 

there was a moment where i wanted to cry when i was looking at my finances and realizing how much more spending money i am going to have.

i can go back out again and live my life and get carpet and it all makes me want to cry.

ive been through so much.

and then i think about how i didnt cry when everything was terrible

except like once i think during work i remember goign on personal time and crying in the bathroom for a few mins and then going back to it. before i moved out. when i realized i needed to move out.

and then when i moved back in i cried.

but mostly i never did. i just handled what i could and kept on doing it.

this has been a dreadful experience

meanwhile

i have a friend in the hospital for idk 3-4 mos with flesh eating bacteria

and 2 friends that recently had strokes

and i made it a point to tell a couple of people i know that i love and care about them 

because im worried about them

but i left that part out

i had a sorta bf forra minute. 

we spent toooo much time and money together

it felt problematic and i was done doing that because i'll never get ahead that way

but today thats all different

hes moving to take care of a sick relative 

too far away to really hang w me anyway

and thats just fine with me tbh

becuase i kind of decided i was trying too hard to make that be something maybe it wasn't

but today already i dont have that pressure that i cant go anywehre or do anything with anyone because i dont have the money to spend on anything

because i can pay off the bulk of the debt thats left for this nightmare

which more or less makes it over now.

and i can move forward

how crazy is that?

I dont know that i ever thought i could ever put this behind me

today it seems entirely possible i can put it behind me entirely

So once ive moved the money to the right places

I have to clean out the garage, if i can sell the extra furniture and the shitty lawnmower thatd be great but im not even mad if i have to donate it, 

i have to get the cats to the vet to get the paperwork to put them in the kitty hotel

so i can move the furniture out to the garage 

so i can get carpet

and move everything back in again,

then its just using the money i make at work to live a normal life and go out sometimes and have fun again. How crazy is that? ive felt like id never get to that place again and i'd always be trying to pay off debt. I know most americans live like that but I had always been on track to be debt free by 2024. 

had to give up that goal a long time ago but its nice to think i could pick a new date now and that this whole awful incident has only set me back a couple  of years.

and not just any years but the covid years

which messed everyone up really in one way or another pretty much

we are all just making a comeback now it feels like.

and i can focus on diet and exercise and getting my menopause hormones in order.

im all about HRT if it means i dont have to suffer the way i did this month .Ive mostly not had any sympoms at all but this month was awful for me and im like sign me up for the hormones

but i didnt have the money to fuck with that

so now i guess i will. 

This just really  means i can shift my priorities from making money and not spending money to actually enjoying a social life again.

which is a big deal

last night when i was out with everyone i was really missing it and being sad that im going to have to spend the next year or two paying bills still before i can really ramp up my social life.

and then fate delivered me unexpected cash

and i took a deep breath and started imagining a whole different future for myself.