It might be over now finally

 So boyfriend had to move to indiana and that was a huge relief because its hard for me to be in any relationship and even harder to be in one that doesn't suit me at all.

Not gonna get into specifcs because theres no reason to do what may seem like slander the man but that was no relationship for me. I tried really hard, because i think maybe the reason im perpetually single is because I dismiss pretty much everyone too quickly... so i did the even dumber thing this time of not fleeing as my instincts were telling me and sticking with it too long and i feel like I may have hurt his feelings when I should have dipped out like right away. 

I was never really feeling it, i was just sticking around trying to. hoping those feelings would come but mostly i only got confirmation again and again and again that i would rather do almost anything but spend time with this man, by spending time with this man and wishing i wasn't. 

so thats the good news because im focusing on my love life instead of not-dying or trying to live in my house or soothe my skin. 

My skin is still messed up but it is a little better all the time. its healing. i swear it. ive said that for three years now. but it is. very very slowly. but it is.

and my hot tub is still awesome.

maybe more awesome now its not about needing it.

learned enough of my job to not totally suck at it. I still kinda suck sometimes and its still kind of a struggle to get on the same page with my boss, who isnt a jerk but doesnt seem to know when its time to jump in and take over from me and he leaves me drowning a lot longer than i think he should. I mean on the one hand hes not micromanaging. on the other hand c'mon dude theres a point where managment needs to step in and take over.

and i made some money in the stock market which paid the bulk of my debt so i have some money to spend on things and i'm starting to go out and socialize again. I feel like every time i go out i meet some man with some possibility of some romance but then i dont go out again for awhile so nothing ever really gets going. I think i just sorta feel burned by the last one. I mean not him so much as my judgment about him. I think most women are on the other side of the spectrum, they give men the benefit of the doubt, hang in there feeling like they can fix the problem or whatever, dont see the man for what they are. I see it all clearly and sometimes still hang out too long hoping i'm being too harsh and then it turns out i was not too harsh at all. i just stayed too long.

I still need/want carpet but ive decided to put that off till fall when the weather is at its best in case i need to put things outside.

and dressers

and like thats it. 

Might get a vanity. sort of trying to decide if i should do that or not. i probably dont need one and i probably cant really fit one here. maybe ill bring my tube socks upstairs this weekend.

thats a good idea.

i think this nightmare is over.

im concerned with very normal things now mostly.

yay.

one of my friends is out of the hospital as of this afternoon.

The guy who let me live in his apartment when this all started.

everything is looking up.

I'm even starting to lose weight it seems like. I havent weighed myself because it makes me crazy but i swear im getting less lumpy and my clothes are starting to fit better.

Taking menopause gummies that seem to actually be making a difference. i dont get hot flashes or night sweats anymore and ive only been taking them a month and a half. I think they are the difference between me being able to lose weight as well.

idk if any of that is true or not but im gonna keep taking them.

my fitness level is way improved and im making it trhough my jazzercise classes without feeling like im going to die. My back is so much stronger. I'm back to using the highest amt of weights i was using before. but my legs hurt a lot what seems like all the time. i feel like i need more rest days but at the same time i also feel like i need so much more exercise than im getting.

im much more even.. my foot hurt after i stopped walking crooked and started putting weight on my bad foot. it still hurts but not as much. its starting to be normal again and i feel like im going to fully recover from everything ive been through last few years.

so if im gonna have a bf he cant suck.

i can do anything by myself. i do everything by myself. im not lonely. i dont need a guy around just for company. that last guy just was a time sink. a time sink and a money sink. and i dont have time or money for that. I want to get my body back and my bank account in order. 

these are my goals

not to have someone around to have someone around

who spends all my time and money on things i dont want or need or care about
and spends all his time and money on things for me i dont want or need or care about so he can act like he's doing shit for me and i can feel like i have to pretend to like it or else be an asshole.

Sex and romance are the only things I can't do by myself. He didn't really give me either so there was no point. 

I guess people get into relationships because they are lonely.

I'm not lonely.

I'm going to s sit in my hot tub by myself and enjoy it.