Feeling lucky

 New job is ok. i dont love the long days or working weekends and holidays but then i have three normal days off a week and thats kind of great. get the work out of the way and then live a life.

except im tired a lot. trying to work on going to bed earlier so im not tired all the time.
its been a terrible heat wave too which just made me want to do nothing inside by myself
but i feel like this *could* work fine

im always in this perpetual state of getting ready to have a great life and never quite getting there

but having said that, since everything went all wrong for me and i started this blog.. i got everything back that i wanted, i paid off my loan i had to take out to pay for it all, i got a diagnosis that explains everything so even though my suffering isnt solved, i at least know how to treat it to make it more bearable and live a life.

my foot's getting better too somehow with time and exercise

i put on all the weight i lost last summer right back on after being repeatedly sick over and over again from fall to winter and then i guess living in a stressful situation at work? or something was keeping me from taking it off?

ive taken this two months at my new job to sort of process what id been through. i cant explain the PTSD i was experiencing after getting out of that situation when it all somehow seemed bearable while i was in it. unpleasant but bearable. I guess i got good at living inside "unpleasant but bearable" idk. 

but now im in a different job with co-workers and managers who act normal. i make less money and my hours are much different but i have so much less reponsibility and i'm treated so much better, and i have a third day off each week so now ive learned at least enough to not be completely incompetent, and ive had time to process whatever i just put myself through. 

I have been over it again and again. i think i liked the amount i was being paid and having almost no commute enough to think i could put up with shit i knew i shouldnt put up with but i had it in my head this was going to be my last job working for another person and if i could just hang in till my house was paid off. which isnt too far off.... and because i quit my last job after 3 mos because my boss was a bitch to me for no reason. 

started feeling like i must be the problem. I have had a lot of awful bosses and managers and the only time i was ever really happy working was working for myself so it must be me and i must have to just work for myself because i'm not a personality who can work for other people.

save now ive been at this job for 2 mos and no ones been an asshole to me at all. not even the customers. and even if they are then it becomes management's job to take care of it. 

so maybe i was just staying in this abusive relationship like a battered wife. Which isnt ever how i think of myself so i had to process that as well. I guess no one gets in a relationship like that on purpose. Just stayed until the benefits weren't outweighing the negatives i guess. which is normal. thats how normal people operate. 

anyway so financially im in a good place and even though im struggling with my weight, its only a small amount i need to lose and if i actually do the diet/exercise thing i can do it. I just get derailed constantly. I guess i forgot how to refuse sweets and not skip workouts.

they disontinued the detergent i was using that didnt irritate me and i tried one that may or may not be working but i just bought some clear and ill go use that next time. 

I really had a bad reaction to the fumes from gel nail polish. I was trying to make some cute press on nails to match my pink betsey johnson dress. thye werent even on my fingers. i geuss thats good. i did some and it really made me lightheaded so i opened all the windows and turned all the fans on and figured that was taht but my skin got tingly . it set off some system-wide nervous reaction. I cant explain how this all works or how this all started but its defintiely a thing. 

i tried doing them outside and staying away from the light when it was curing and putting the finished nails way away from me and leaving them to offgas but it still had some effect on me. So i gave up and bought some premade nails and i think i had a similar reaction to the nail glue.

I probably should just give up but as soon as this iteration of my nerves firing settles down im gonna try the press on tabs just by themselves and if that still sets me off ill give up and go back to the nail wrap stickers which are fine and i like them anyway. I just really want some fancy 3D nails because i see them on people and thye are cute.

but here i am. living in my house. caught up financially i get to sleep in my bed iwth my cat in my house which is the only thing i wanted in the darkest days in the ugly apartment. which somehow seems like a bad dream now.

i had a good dream last night. i was having a flirty time with a boy i like who is a man in his 50s lol and also probably not a realistic romance irl for me but when i woke up i loved that i played that out in a dream because he is a guy i think is awesome but havent spent any waking time having a crush on because it's not realistic. and i love that my subconscious is busy thinking about things like this while I'm asleep. 

i'm back to thinking about dresses and parties and boys like i should be.

thank goodness.

ive got a full wardrobe i like again. ive rotated enough stuff now that theres nothing left from the apartment days and ive replaced everytihng ive lost and ive gotten a bunch of great new things that fit this bigger body i dont want but havent been able to shake.

I feel like im being realistic because i know that dress i wore today didnt fit great but i wore it anyway because thats the body i have today so here we are. Id like it to fit better and if i put in the work i can get it to fit better, but right now im a little flabby and it shows in some of my dresses. 

i think about how literally since i was 10 and someone called me fat ive felt this way even though I've literally grown a lot of sizes since I was 10. i shrunk a couple too and i grew a couple back and im where i was at in high school now, which for the record was my fattest. 

but it is noteworthy that i thought i was fat at every single stage of always since i was 10 no matter how much i look at pics of me now and i dont think i look fat at all. and i look at myself now and im sure im fat now. even though i have pics of myself at this weight and i dont think i look fat in those.

its a luxury i know to worry im fat after what ive been through

and what half my friends have been through since covid. strokes and death and death of partners

i am very lucky i got everything back.

and im reevaluating my whole life after spending a wonderful day with an old bf that didnt work out and having a good time with him whats wrong with me lol im not good at other people and maybe i dont want to date ever again because i like my life. 

when i was at my worst and i was in the apartment and didnt know what was wrong with me, the only things i cared about was the cats, my house and working out. and truthfully thats still all i want to do.

i have been working out and im stronger than ive been in a long time but im not eating well and im falling short of my own expectations. but im not out of shape and im not NOT working out. just not getting the right balance of diet/exercise to actually lose weight. 

i started counting calories just now. its some progress in the direction im aiming for. counting calories is out of fashion but its the only thing thats ever worked for me. and i gotta keep doing it because i tend to lose weight slowly. thats the hard part. the keep doing it. especially because every day  is somehow an eating holiday. 

but back to what i was saying. i like my life. i like my house which im so happy to get back. i dont go out as much and i barely try to date since last year when the last bf was so disappointing i didnt bother to try again after that. 

maybe im just fine this way. 
doing whatever i want to whenever i want to

i dont go out much but for me that means 3-4x a month. I still have fun. I still do the thing. and it costs more now so it makes sense i'd stay in more. I havent found a lot of guys im that into dating but i have a lot more women friends my age who like to fun things.

i look back at when i was a young girl, living in the hosue with my awful family. i spent all my time in the den where the tv was which was essentially my room since i wasnt allowed to hang out in the living room and no one was ever hanging out with me. I was a second class citizen in my own house basically trapped in the den except to sleep when id go up to my bedroom which i basically only used for sleeping. I would watch TV all day, which became my window to the world and i learned what there is out there and how people behave and morals and decency and how to speak my mind, etc etc etc.

and i would "play" by myself  and set up my "apartment" and imagine i lived in a city by myself and i had a job and friends and I went out to nightclubs and lived a life where I hobnobbed with rock stars and they were people who cared about me. 

so its very cool that i grew up to be everything i ever wanted to be. I am very lucky. I have the life I always wished for. 

I never wished that nothing bad would ever happen to me. I never wished i had a bad boss or an alcoholic boyfriend who keeps me awake all night because he cant sleep. I never wished for marriage or children. I never wished for anything but the life i have. I am very lucky to get everything I ever wanted.