Two Years Today

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Today is the 2 yr anniversary of the day everything went horribly wrong for me and i was gonna go out and celebrate but now that its time I just want to stay home and celebrate being home and sit in my hot tub and be happy i can do all those things instead.

I'm feeling a flood of emotions because of all I've been through and what a long hard road back it's been. I'm not done yet. I really thought id be done with all this by the 2 yr mark but im nowhere near close to paying off the debt and I still have more I haven't got to making yet because I wanted to pay some down first.

So maybe it'll take 3 years.

I hope no more than that.

I'm not healed yet but im much improved.

and ive got a better job which is going well enough that i feel like i can stay where im at and live at some level of happiness and work-life balance while i hopefully make the money to pay off the rest.

it seems very do-able.

I'm still working on getting clothes for me to wear to go out and socialize.

I ordered a bunch of stuff online and didnt like most of it and sent a lot of it back. I dont think i have a complete outfit.

I went through and brought in old coats i still want and old shoes and purses and belts and jewelery. so its just clothes out there. and towels. i dont know if the towels are ok or not ok and i love those towels and cant get them again. I should probably get rid of them but i havent yet. or my dressers. and theres things i could sell. things i bought to try to help w my problems that i thought were the air and didnt understand were nerve damage... the dehumidifier and the fans and then theres some other stuff in there i could sell as well and make some money that way too.

and ive decided to reupholster a chair out there and bring it in , from after not before, but i think its a good project to make my house prettier, and i can take the desk out of here now i dont work from home and sell the extra furniture out there too. etc etc etc.

but its all just stuff i could do. not stuff i have to do. stuff i will eventually do and dont need to do any of it on any schedule.

i was close to getting a new washer dryer the other day but didnt

but i get a sign on bonus from work next week and maybe it'll pay enough down I'll feel ready to take on the washer dryer debt. 

or maybe not.

Right now today i just feel relief for making it where im at

and happiness for being in a place where im set up to be done with this all eventually 

i dont know if ill ever fully physically heal or not if ihavent in 2 yrs

but i have healed some in that 2 yrs, and nerves take a long time.

and my foot took like 8 years i think.. its not exactly like it used to be but its fully functional.

i hope my skin doesnt take 8 years but if it does thats 2 down.

i feel like my clothes out there are probably ok but every time i talk about them i throw in that my body has changed anyway and i cant wear a lot of it anyhow.

i bought new sneakers today because my old ones dont fit right after 2 yrs of working from home and rarely wearing shoes at all. my feet are actually different. and even though i have a TON of pairs of shoes, when faced with bringing them all back inside, it doesnt matter how many pairs you have if they hurt you when you wear them. So i bought a couple new pairs.

what im learning now is that its not about tightening my belt and not spending on anything until i have paid off everything... its about getting myself what i need whther thats shoes or laundry machines or work clothes or a job to pay for it. and trusting myself to continue to pay the debt while I set myself up for success which includes being happy and feeling like i look cute and enjoying my life whether i go out or stay in. 

i'm feeling like i can do all this.

the healing is happening and theres nothing i can do to hurry it up so i may as well ignore all the weird sensations i still have all the time and live my life now and pay off this nightmare in installments.

Surprised how long its taking when it took like no time for all this damage to happen.

but here i am. 

ive crawled out of the hole

but im still pretty well covered in the dirt and its gonna take a bit to get cleaned up now.

I can do that part tho.

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