So i went out last night

 I've been out a few times. I'm ready to restart my life on the one hand.

On the other hand i dont have money for that.

on the other hand i had what I call "hormone fuck" a few days ago which is essentially when I don't exercise enough and i get my period and i feel sad for no reason and I just want to drop out of society because everything is terrible.

It's solved by chocolate and exercise. 

For real. that works.

So that's what I did and i did feel better, but in the funk of it all i was feeling sorry for myself because my new job .. the guy who shares the office with me is out having a baby and im in the room all alone and we haven't been busy so I haven't had reason to walk around and talk to people, which is why i picked this job because it was supposed to be a lot of walking around talking to people and here I am again sitting in a room by myself doing nothing much of the day only now im not home with my cats and my kitchen and my things to entertain myself with. 

Well anyway the next day i liked the job fine and i was happy to be left alone and im making more money and i brought more stuff with me so i didn't have to feel bad. I decided to go out and restart my social life.

One of my friend's bands was playing. not just any friend but one of the few i'd been talking to through my whole terrible ordeal who knows what ive been through and how im not done yet, and hes got his own version of what hes been through and of course ill go see his band play.

Problem was i had nothing to wear. and not in that way that women say that when theyre getting dressed but like for real i have a couple of outfits that arent for work or sleeping and i wore them both last week when i went out and i dont want to be one of those people that wears the same outfit all the time.

Losing my wardrobe was the worst part of all this. Well one of the worst parts. Hard for me in particular because my dresses are the only thing i really collect and even though i think i saved a lot of my clothes, i dont even know for sure and im too scared to play roulette to find out if whats ok and whats not. its much easier to just ignore it and thats been fine. everythings in the garage, i got new stuff. mostly pajamas. i worked at home and i got some workout clothes and that was all i needed. 

i got some work clothes when i got this new job but i still dont have going out clothes and i tried to fashion some outfit .. but everything fit awkwardly and nothing looked great on me. my body has changed too and im not working with a lot of choices. 

and im used to having so many choices.

It breaks my heart i've lost that part of the going-out where you find something to wear that fits your mood and your body of the moment and then carefully accessorize just so with matching makeup and glasses socks and shoes or whatever. I always loved getting dressed. Like most women i would change a few times before i found just the right outfit. Now i have a couple of dresses that look shitty on me and that's all. 

Well anyway i pulled something together that actually worked fine somehow and saw a lot of people i used to like seeing when i went out.

I do think thats so important. Especially when you live alone. Just to spend some time in the company of random people having random chats about whatever. I felt rejuvenated by it.

but i felt especially glad that i ran into a friend of mine who i hadnt seen who sort of vaguely was aware something terrible had happened to me and this is the first time we were able to sit down and talk about anything since before the pandemic. I told her my story and how sick i was and how i had to move out and how i didnt know what was happening to me till a year later when i finally went to a neurologist who diagnosed me with small fiber neuropathy which explained everything unexplainable and i was able to move forward once i was understanding what i was dealing with.

and now its a year later and even though my skin is still messsed up and i have all these crazy sensations all the time. it *is* improving. slowly but improving. all my really awful symptoms are gone and im left with ones that I can live with. that will hopefully also go away eventually i hope. but if not ill be abel to live a life like this. and once ive finished rebuilding... i still need carpet and a washer dryer and thats like another $4000-5000 which i dont have to spend right now.

and i told her how i dont have money to go out and even if i did, i dont have clothes.

and i try to find something to wear and i hate the way i look and i feel shitty and i dont want to go out even though when i do im always so happy to see people.

she understood because she has fibromyalgia which is sort of similar in that she gets pain and sensations and its all sort of random and at times she can feel like shes dying she said. and it was neat to find someone who says yeah i get it. because i feel very alone in my situation. Virtually no one has been through what im going through. she told me to find a support group anyway because sometimes people just need to suffer with other people who are suffering.

I feel this but i also feel like im past that. I feel like im over the hump. i know im OK now and i'm in the last phase of all this which is paying the bill for it all more or less. I'm struggling to have the patience i know i need to just work and dont spend money till my debt is back down to where i think it should be.

because i need stuff still all the time.

but after talking to her, and vocalizing how down it was making me

not having clothes

Well i went on line and i bought some clothes.

same as how i got the work clothes.. i just ordered some stuff and ill return what i dont like and ill buy more but it realized its important to me to have choices of what to wear so its worth spending some money on clothes just like i did for my work wardrobe.

I think it was hard for me to do that because its sort of giving up on my old clothes, which im not ready to do. and its also admitting i need a bigger size now, which i am also not happy about.

but its years later now and i was never a person who didn't buy new clothes.

so i'm buying new clothes and im going to get a wardrobe for going out.

I dont want to go out all the time like i used to, it costs a lot more than it used to too and i need to save money. but i dont want to never go out again. i dont want to punish myself. i dont want to have no clothes. and all these things are important to me and my well-being to go out and socialize with other human beings.

I've decided to look at it as another part of the rebuilding.

im willing to spend some money on a new old sofa i should be willing to spend some money on making myself feel like i look cute and i want to go spend time in real life with humans whose company I enjoy.

I also think im gonna go through stuff in the garage this weekend and try to bring in the coats and shoes and donate anything im scared of to the thrift store and store anything i want to keep better since one of the closets ripped and some of the stuff i stored in a giant space bag and i can't find things i want in there and i think a lot of that stuff is ok and its time to devise a strategy for storing them in the garage still and keeping them separate but making all my things accessible and findable.

and i can bring in the purses and belts. Maybe i can make a decision about the dressers. and i think i want to get rid of the home office i dont need anymore and maybe put the table for eating on back. even though i dont think i used it for eating hardly ever. Maybe something else goes there. I'm not sure but i can think about that too. 

its time.