Home for 6 months.

 This is a milestone for sure. I am definitely home for real and i'm definitely healing for real and my life has become what I expected i was going to be dealing with after i cleaned the house once I realized I was having a reaction to the stuff I sprayed a year and a half ago.

Just had no idea it would be a year and half of physical and emotional torture and expense to get to this place.

I have not rebuilt by any stretch of the imagination and I am not fully healed but I am in a stable place where my symptoms are manageable and the house is full of what I need and I don't need anything else even though I still havent sorted out the clothes situation.

My stuff is in the garage and Im waiting for spring or healing or both or either to mess with any of that. But I have the rest of my life I guess. I've been doing laundry at the laundromat and in pandemic times thats fine because its the only time i really go anywhere. 

But the pandemic is more or less over now and I'm ready to get back to real life, just now i dont have any money for that. and theres inflation and a war in the Ukraine so it'll be a minute before my cash flow situation is sorted out.

"Cash Flow Situation" is a phrase that stuck with me when I started learning about retirement planning, which has been my hobby since the early 90s. I'm stlll not retired but ive made mostly good decisions. I couldnt see this particular situation.... getting nerve damage from a seemingly innocuous non-toxic flea spray and not understanding what was happening or how to handle it till I was in for about $20K. But here we are.

One of the first retirement planning books I read, because that was before the internet and I went to the library to learn things back then, explained the basic concept and that there would be unexpected things that happen no matter how much you plan so all this is subject to massive fluctuations depending on .. everything... but that you should expect times when you find yourself in a "cash flow situation".

Thirty years later im like oh. yes thats what this is. 

But ive been working the whole time. My pandemic job has turned out to be way more permanent than id intended but its a best-case-scenario for what it is and I can recover financially with time. It seems like inflation and WW3 are going to make it take longer than I want it to, but I can recover financially with time.

I havent had a vacation in probably 3 years now. Maybe more i cant remember. I think my late fall vacation of 2020 was canceled because i got strep from one of the families i worked for, leading me to shut down my housecleaning business and get a job working from home for the pandemic. Because my families got me sick all the time and they just didnt care if i got sick or not. never told me to stay home if they were home sick, never warned me if they had anyting super-contagious. and i could be out of work for weeks when they got me sick not to mention they ruined my vacation.

the vacation before that i think was when i went on tour w my rock star who made me miserable as possible the whole week around the midwest and it wasnt fun at all. i would have had much  more fun on my own. 

So the last time i went anywhere for more than a day trip and had a good time... i cant remember but its been years. and I daydream about vacations. I watch peoples vacations on youtube and I browse hotels and resorts and cruises and vacation packages and destinations on my computer in my free time. but i dont think i realistically can afford anything like that for a year or two at least. 

It's cold this week but its probably the last cold week and then spring and ill set up my hot tub in my backyard. bought some new lights for out there too. I cant go anywhere but i can make my yard awesome. 

Might go somewhere anyway and just add the expense to the rest of my debt.

I have a lot of vacation time saved up at work right now for working and not taking one. I havent honestly enjoyed myself doing anything in so long. But i took a day trip for my birthday to my favorite beer festival. only stayed long enough for 2 beers and saw some old friends real quick. I did have a good time. First time i can remember having a good time in so long.

Everything else ive done has felt like spending time with friends while i sat in my misery Or more like them helping me kill time while I'm miserable, because it wont be forever and I know it. but its sooo slow .. this physical recovery..

Emotionally im doing great. I'm home six months and im living my life doing my thing in my house with my cats. its just not the pre-pandemic life i used to have at all. and thats fine. its the post-pandemic life i expected to be leading when i got this work from home job, before i ruined my house and got nerve damage all over my body and had to move out till i could figure out how to go home again. It's not a life i dont want at least. Its just a temporary life i expected id be done with now. 

Except the part where i dont have clothes. I expected to live this life with clothes.

I have clothes. just basics .. pajamas, workout clothes. thats all i need really.

id like to have a life where i needed more than that. id like to have all my clothes back. 

Where was I? right im doing great emotionally. im starting to be able to enjoy things again. Celebrated my birthday and im feeling like im doing more than suffering through what im suffering through. Theres still work and expense ahead of me and I know that but i can put it off till im ready.

I dont have anxiety anymore about living in my house which is huge. I honestly didnt know if i would ever be able to live here again and i just love it here and im genuinely happy every minute of every day, everything i do, im so happy to be doing it here in my house. 

I want new carpet and laundry machines. and i need a new dishwasher but thats all doable and i have the rest of my life to make it all happen. GEtting my clothes back comes with more anxiety since i dont know whats OK and whats not and I already ruined a bunch of stuff and had to start over for getting stuff mixed up about 6-8 months ago and i dont want to re-live that. it was nearly as terrible as the first time, even if it was a catalyst to get serious about moving back into the house. 

I mean if i wasnt safe in the apartment anymore, no point in having that huge expense. So i went home. thank goodness im home.

I was sick and scared for the first two months but its been long enough I've settled in and now its just healing my body and my wallet. 

My body is healing. No question about it. I can leave my clothes be and never touch them again and i will heal. I dont know if i ever heal fully or not but i cant see any reason its not a possibility, and thats just time. and circulation. 

Sugar and alcohol make it worse so celebrating my birthday for two weeks by eating and drinking delicious things was a little suffering but not enough that it wasnt worth it. I need to keep active and eat right and ensure good circulation with things like my inflatable hot tub ill be able to set up soon outside since itll stop freezing overnight soon, and my massage cushion which really does make noticeable improvement, and my nightly hot baths and lotion which is a ritual ive come to enjoy even though it takes up so much time. 

so physically im doing as well as possible too.

THis is all good, its all the road to one day being fully past all this.

The apartment already seems like a bad dream. Im on year 2 for work and accruing vacation days 2x as fast now and i never used last years so i can go somewhere instead of just daydreaming about it. people have debt. im going to have debt for awhile even though ive spent all my adult life trying to be as debt free as possible. its normal for people i keep telling myself. 

I wore some pants from the garage for my birthday, went through everything to find them and saw so much clothes i like out there. I really think most of it is OK but theres no way to know and from my last experience mixing stuff up, a miniscule amount  of this stuff willl screw up everything for me and make my life a living hell again so ill just leave it all out there. 

Maybe ill just get new stuff. its been 2 yrs, times change, fashion changes, my whole life has changed, my hair is a weird nightmare for being grey under my hair color instead of the color it used to be and the texture is different and im trying to sort that out or decide if i should just go grey (dont want to) or what. So maybe i dont need my clothes from when i was 30. or even 50. 

most stress free solution would be to get a new washer and dryer and throw out everything old.

but i dont want to do that either.

but i dont have to decide n ow. and i still believe everything will be OK eventually with time. stuff has to lose efficacy eventuallly. I read poison ivy can stay in your clothes for up to 9 years. this stuff i think i determined early on it was 1-5 years. its 1 1/2 now. might be fine already. or if i have to wait till 5 years thats only 3 1/2 more years. 

i feel like it would be smart to wait until my skin heals. but i have no idea if it will ever heal fully but for now thats what im thinking, and then mess w the clothes after.

gonna keep going to the laundromat as long as i can stand it. I dont mind it at all honestly .i have a nice one i go to and it gets me out of the house and i get everything clean in under two hours including travel time. 

Just sucks when the cat pees on stuff and i cant just throw it in the machine downstairs.

carpet will wait. maybe till this vacation im daydreaming about. put the cats in a cat hotel and go somewhere  and let it offgas a few days, but ireally want carpet. even though its not necessary, its totally necessary. but that also can wait indefinitely. 

So im like at the halfway mark as I see it but for other poeple i talk to and people who have helped me its over now and im ok. 

Even though its nothing like that.

but it also is like that.

and the pandemic is over in the same way. Its not really over but its totally over.

Time to start living life again.

if only everything didnt cost so much that I want to just continue to stay home by myself and do nothing and save my pennies to get out of this soul-crushing debt faster.

Guess i need to find a happy medium.