5 months home

 These are starting to be monthly entries.

Living at home feels real now and the 9 months i was in the apartment and the two i was suffering before I moved out feel like a fever dream now.

Even though I still am pretty bare bonesed in the house. I have a good collection of clothes now. Not like my old collection, its almost all workout clothes and pajamas. but i can pull out different outfits to wear to Jazzercise and have matching pants and sports bras and that makes me happy. 

My skin is still not right, hot baths are the only thing that really soothe it but i can go a day or sometimes even two before it gets really bad and I've been able to focus on things like cooking and eating healthy and working out and what color my hair is again instead of just how to live and how to pay my bills.

My bills are still not paid. I've paid off about 1/4 of what this has all cost me paid off and ive worked long and hard to make that happen.

But i'm starting to be more comfortable with the idea im going to be in this debt since American's generally are. Before Covid, and before this happened, i was on track to be debt free in about four years so I'm just giving that idea up, I'm not destitute. It's just going to take me longer to get to where I was headed. 

I hate it. 

My body is healing. Super-slowly but undeniably. I can't explain the sensations I'm feeling now but its lessened on the worst part of my back and the part that used to be numb has sensation now. It ranges from pain to itching to tingling to vibrating, but the intensity seems to be lessening. Even though that waxes and wanes too.

Soaking in a hot bath is really the only thing I've found that soothes it.

My heart has stopped doing the really worrisome things but my heart rate does seem to increase if i havent had a long hot bath in awhile. and i feel like the sensations are moving down. not so much in my heart but now in my stomach and my bladder. 

Oh my bladder. Yeah that seems to have been effected too. Mostly I just have to pee a lot but I have sensations that wax and wane there too it seems like. TMI i got a kegel trainer so hopefully that will improve. I dont want to go into detail about any of that on the internet. Its hard to know how much of that is just me being 54 now but whatever i dont want it so im gonna try to combat it.

Anyway its still uncomfortable and terrible but its almost like I can live a life again. I feel like i live in my house for real. I really want wall-to-wall carpet again tho.

and im doing laundry in a laundromat still.

Ive been washing my hairdye towels in my machines and this week i took out the first load that didn't smell like "the stuff" when I pulled it out. so looking at that as a great sign but im too scared to try to wash anyting in there. i dont want to ruin what clothes i do have either. Maybe ill get braver once I've healed some more, but if this is all the healing I've done in almost a year and a half now, i think this may be my life for awhile.

Starting to daydream about vacation. I havent had one in a very long time, before covid i got sick and missed my planned vacation and then since then ive been working. I was only out of work for a week and a half when things first shut down and since then ive not had more than one day off here and there.

I don't have money for a vacation. In fact my birthday is coming up and I bought a inflatable hot tub. told myself i dont need to go anywhere but since i need a hot bath once a day, itd be better to get a hot tub and stay home.

but now its getting closer to my birthday adn closer to being warmer Im starting to think i should maybe take a small trip if for no other reason than because i need a break from work after almost 2 yrs without one. 

I havent decided anything and ive already bought the hot tub which i cant set up till spring and that means i need to level the patio first and get chemicals and maybe some other things, and its possible i need an electrictian since the breaker has tripped a lot and im not sure if it can run this thing.

But thats all for the spring.

I think when i first moved back i was saving my vacation days to get new carpet installed when and if i felt like it was safe but now that im here the last thing i want to do is move everything again. 

and again that would be easier to do in spring.

So pretty much everything is on hold till spring.
in this case whether the problem is just in my body or it could still be in my clothes... the longer I wait the better anyway and so i wait.

Its been hard to be so joyless for so long. Its hard to imagine going on vacation when I cant enjoy anything yet and i dont feel like i have money for any of this and I dont really know if or when Ill make how much of a recovery or if ill be able to reclaim my clothes  and the garage still needs to be cleaned out and its still going to cost me money to haul some of these items away.

Ive decided to change out my dressers which are broken and not worth fixing but theyre in the garage and not worth selling and theres teh bookshelf the cat peed on that ive already replaced and a few other items that need trashing so theres more money there.

I try to tell myself that this is normal expenditures in the course of normal life.and since i dont go anywhere or do anything i have money for this. Ive even stopped eating out. inflation is rampant especially at the grocery store just when ive started cooking for real and all the meat is outrageously priced. But i still have to be doing ok.... im making more than i was pre=pandemic and even though im not seeing it really because i owe so much more, im still afloat over here and paying my bills on time. 

im starting to be able to find some joy in life and do some activites and I think ill be ok but i think its going to take another year or so before my body heals and my finances maybe longer. 

I think six months home will be a milestone worth celebrating by setting up a hot tub in the back yard.