its my three month anniversary again?

 I lost track of it i guess.

Ive been home since mid September.

Which means ive been home three months, even though last month i did a post that said i was home for three months. 

I guess thats fine if ive lost track of it because it doesnt really matter 

especially because im home.

So I've been rebuilding my house. brought in the hard furniture from outside. except the dressers which were broken anyway and I decidedd to give some other furniture a try.  got a light "dresser" with fabric boxes for drawers and a kallax unit .. same concept but i dont have clothes to filll them up yet.

I was going to bring in my purses and shoes but i dont go anywhere and the outfits they match are staying out in the garage at least till my skin heals so theres no real point i guess. So i have all these empty places to put clothes that i intend to bring back eventually.

But it feels more like home with furniture. I swear i sleep better with a dresser in the bedroom. It feels like i live here. like im staying. and i do have some clothes. got a good sale at old navy awhile back and ordered a lot of basic workout clothes, and i have pajamas and honestly when its covid and you work from home thats good enough.

Got rid of all the temporary furniture and any clothes i hated but thats what there was at the thrift store the day i was looking for clothes and replaced it with permanent, or at least more permanent furniture. No more plastic dressers. i intend to stay here awhile. forever. im never leaving again. or at least staying here as long as i want to. 

I know its a morbid thought but I'm just really glad neither of the cats died at the apartment. This is our home, its where we belong and I just dont even know how I would have dealt with that. 

Finally got the deposit back from the apartment. its an Ohio law that they have 30 days but they were dicking me around till after the 8th time I asked i told them that i have a record of everything and I'll take them to court if they dont get a check in the mail this week, and then i got the check.

Which is good because i have bills to pay.

My heart mostly stopped doing crazy things, which was the turning point for me feeling like I was going to be OK afterall, although my resting heart rate is really high this week. I'm in pain last couple of weeks. my skin. it just hurts. But im fairly certain its healing because im feeling pain in places that were previously completely numb and in places I didn't know were effected, so probably they were also numb. 

Which is healing.

Painful healing.

I don't know how long this phase is going to be. I hope not that long. its been a few weeks now and i'm kind of tired of it but I'm certain its healing.

i can suffer it mostly but i get shifting sensations and sometimes its like goosepimples and i feel really cold even when its not cold at all and the only thing to calm that is to sit in a hot bath.

I like to sit in a hot bath but it takes a lot of time and its inconvenient but at least i have something i can do. I got a lotion warmer too. I honestly dont know if the lotion helps at all or not. i usually put it on after a bath and i suspect its the bath doing the work. 

I still have reactions to some creams and lotions but mostly I've learned which lotions i can use.  I used a body wash a few days ago that i shouldnt have used and it took days to calm my skin down so I need to be careful but its so tempting to try something else when I'm suffering.

I think mostly I've learned that none of what my body is doing has anything to do with anything. After the initial contact with the supposedly non-toxic flea spray that ruined my life for a couple of years. I dont know if its still in my clothes or if it was just nerve damage to my skin.

I dont know where one leaves off and the other begins.

I do think when i moved back into the house last summer and had all the worst symptoms again, and moved back to the apartment where i thought I'd contaminated everything there because It was all happening again to me there... i think it *was* still in my house and i got exposed again.. i dont know how or if anything in the apartment got contaminated or not. I could smell it in my laundry but i dont fully understand how it happened since any amount of "stuff" i tracked back had to be miniscule. But i do think that was all real... just maybe a lot of my "reactions" were just nerve damage that had already occurred.

So in this three (or four) months back home, starting over with new stuff and being extra careful .. really unnecessarily careful probably... not to bring in anything that was potentially ever contaminated and starting  over again after painting with kilz and then buying new clothes... etc..  

I'm healing 

finally

it hurts. everywhere. but I think im healing. 

Financially it hurts too.

but I think i can recover physically and financially in a couple of years.

and then im never moving again.