So i guess im posting sort of monthly

I dont even bother to look where i left off now before I start.

I'm really lost today in general. not sure how to feel about any of this anymore.

Its ludicrous that this is even happening and yet here I am living it for over 7 months now.

basically I decided that i can use my backyard even if i can't live in my house so I decided to focus on getting the yard ready for summer. Got a new baby pool, cleaned the grill, got rid of the rotten wood chairs and bought new patio furniture. 

It was a 93 degree day so I turned on the AC in the house to see if it worked. It did. it was great. Id been spending some time in the house, taking baths and doing my hair. I turned the internet back on over there so i can control the lights and thermostat remotely and I had bought a $6 thrifted office chair with the intention of working from home over there and if that went well moving in eventuallly.

But instead, the AC went out at the apartment on this 93 degree day so i put the cats in the boxes and took them to the house where the AC was plentiful. and decided to stay as long as I could which I hoped would be forever. 

Got an air mattress and some cheap bedding for it and just basically lived in the same clothes. after the first night all was well so i took my whole work desk over and set it up, and all was well so i took all my kitchen stuff over so i could cook in my real kitchen after so many months of not having one.

And all was well so i got my TV and all my electronics back over to the house. The weather changed and it got cold all of a sudden so i got some warmer clothes and all was well even though i was cold at night because i guess the cheap fleece blankets i brought overwere small and thin but it was worth it to be home, which was grand.

The cats knew where they were but they still hissed at each other and me the first day or two but mostly they figured it out and we were all enjoying being home and being outside in the yard for work lunches and I was overjoyed to have my house back as covid restrictions were being lifted and I had this real sense that the whole nightmare of everything was over now and we can all go back to normal now. 

My friend had a party on the 7th day and i saw old friends and got to hug them and tell them my awful story and how im celebrating with this bottle of champagne i brought w me because ive successfully been home for 7 days now. 

I had told myself I'd wait 2 weeks before i brought the furniture back in, just because i dont think i got sick right away in the first place. I figured I was being extra cautious and i was daydreaming of what new bedding i would buy and which sofa i wanted and maybe ill get the cats a second cat tree just because they deserve everything for their sacrifice of not going outside for the 5 mos we lived in the apartment. 

And then i came home from the party and had a late-night confessional conversation with a friend who was awake about how scared i am all the time that everything might be a sign of me being poisoned by the house again and that im sure its just PTSD since at the worst of it all when i was desperately trying to figure out how to get me and the cats to safety, i was living just like this, with no furniture or clothes, sleeping on the floor, praying the cats dont pop the air mattress, trying desperately to keep this job while the desk chair was poisoning me and the air in general was poisoning me and even the clothes i was wearing were poisoning me. 

And i went to sleep, freezing.. shivering... only the thermostat said it was 74. I turned it up to 77 and i was still cold. thought it was weird but i fell asleep. woke up 2 hrs later with my heart racing. thought it was because i was overheated. Turned thermostat down, opened windows, waited for temperatures to normalize but my heart rated didnt come down. and i couldnt sleep and i was just freaking out more and more not sure if im really poisoned here or being crazy. because i was both last time after so many nights of not sleeping or eating and feeling awful and having a laundry list of symptoms. 

Sometime around 3am i knew it was real and i knew i was poisoned. and i knew i had to go back to the apartment. The cat was sleeping soundly while my heart was racing and my body was shaking and my stomach was upset and i couldnt fathom how to get up and throw him and the other cat back in the boxes and go back to the apartment because of how traumatic all this moving is for them. 

Then i got the brilliant idea to just move me, to the apartment and see if the same thing happens if i try to sleep there. It didnt. so i knew for sure i was poisoned when i was in the apartment bed. I had all the same symptoms starting back up that I'd had so bad when I moved out. 

So i got the cats, who took the move very well for reasons i dont understand but am gratelful for. they got out of the boxes in the apartment and went... oh... we live here. nbd. and the one asked for food and the other sat on the cat tree and that was that. Huge relief.

I had a nap. Called my friend i was supposed to hang out with that evening to call off because i had to move all my shit back. She said no problem, me and my bf will help you move. and they came and we got everything i need back to the apartment in one go, so i live in the apartment again.

And i still had a one day off left in my weekend to chill out and do what i need to get done before i start the work week again. 

I dont know what i do next. I jsut know im exhausted trying to come up with solutions and watching them all fail for 7 months. This fail wasnt as heartbreaking as I imagined it would be, mostly because I'm sick and I'm happy to have recognized it so quickly and got out. I feel like it will pass quickly too and ill feel well again soon. I already feel better than I did feel when i left. 

So thats what im trying to focus on for the moment.

Everyone's starting to travel and go out and have parties and do stuff again and I'm not in a place where I can do that right now. Not emotionally or financially but i'm doing some of that anyway because I know i need people and because i dont want to get left behind. I feel like most of covid everyone was doing a thing and i was over here doing this other thing. I want to join in the post-covid party time, i really do. 

I have no idea what to do next. 

well i have some ideas i guess but none of them are good. 

I'm trying to tell myself to focus on myself, live my life at the apartment, stop stress eating and start exercising again now that the gyms are restriction-free, start hanging with friends now thats a thing we can do and ill come to some decision on what to do about the house eventually one way or another. 

I never expected this to go on this long or continue to this extreme and i really just dont even understand how any of this is real or why i can't solve it no matter what I try. 

It's exhausting.

I just want to not think about it for awhile.