All I've learned so far is that I don't know anything about anything.

 I'd really hoped that by now I'd be back home but not yet. I've got the exhaust fans running 24/7 and i drop by daily to collect mail, put out garbage, dump the water from the dehumidifier, check to make sure everything is in order and then I go back to the apartment.

I still hate that im in this ugly apartment but now I've been doing this long enough that it does feel something like home and I do like to come back and chill w my cats. I'd much rather live in the house but i can't, so this is at least not torture living here with my own space and what i need and my cats who I love  more than anything else. 

I don't feel homeless or displaced so much as I did before, I feel like I have two homes now.  It sucks because I only want the other one, but I don't feel homeless.

I'd been spending more time in the house and had an appointment to turn the cable back on at the house thinking I'd maybe try to work from home from there and that'd be enough to know if I could move back in or not, but after spending a few hours a day in the house in preparation.... 

I took all the extra clothes and blankets and things i accumulated when I was still trying to live in there and everything was becoming contaminated by the air in a few days, and I'd go to the thrift store every few days and buy some more things to keep me in there a couple more days... So i had about four garbage bags worth of stuff that I donated.

I don't know if they're OK for other people honestly. I think this is specific to me and because i was exposed to so much of it for so long in the beginning and i feel like if a person were to buy one pair of pajama pants that had been in my house it'd probably be OK, and if not they'll probably just stop wearing them and be fine. 

So I donated 4 bags of clothes and some camp chairs, brought home a $6 office chair with the intention of using it to work from home. Theres a desk still in there and if i can still sit on the office chair after a week or so and i can still be in there ... well i figure ill know when i can go back if i just spend time in there.

I was going over and taking baths 2x a week and doing some other stuff in the house, getting it ready to move back into. 

I've largely been ignoring the laundry which I couldnt figure out and i got sick of poisoning myself so I havent worn anything from the house in awhile but id run washing machine cleaner a few loads in a row and i washed a bunch of towels and other clothes from the house I would like to keep if i can, just kind of hoping using the machine enough might clear any residue of this evil stuff im having this allergic reaction to.

Long story short, I went to bed one night and felt that dreaded feeling i feel when I've been "poisoned" when my heart is racing and i can't sleep and my belly feels like its vibrating and i feel sick to my stomach and i realized i was reacting to something.

I really don't know if it was a cumulative reaction to having spent a lot of time in the house or maybe i sat on the carpet or did something else I can't quite recall and had some direct contact with the stuff in some way I can't quite recall. It's so hard to know anything for sure.

But I've been staying out of there. Took about 4 days for my body to go back to normal, and by that I mean where it was before. My skin is weird. its hypersensitive and it feels like its burning or itching or something. Ive been going to an infared sauna 2x a week and slathering myself in an unscented body lotion that my skin seems to be tolerating. It does feel like healing but its very very slow.

I've kind of decided i need to heal my skin before i can go back.

I dont know if that solves the problem but it might.

But i dont think i can even know until i heal my skin. 

and my toungue. Ive had a sore swollen tounge this whole time too that seems to get worse when i go in the house, but that might just be that its cold in there. also id noticed that it was more swollen most days after lunch....... when i realized id been eating strawberries for a lunch dessert ... and maybe i was allergic to strawberries?

So I stopped eating strawberries, which may or may not be a thing and got a mouthwash for mouth sores which has made a huge difference in a few days. not fully healed yet but its been so sore for so long I cant expect it to go back to normal in one day.

I feel like other than the $ its costing me to run exhaust fans, theres no sense in hurrying to get back in the house. Other than i really want to go home, and that its going to of course cost me a lot less once I can go back to my regular life, if i can take my time heal my skin and my mouth, the house is only going to get safer and safer with more time and ventilation.

Some days its easier to wait than others.

When im poisoned everything is terrible and I dont know how i'll ever go home and I don't know what I'm going to do.

When I'm feeling good, the house looks beautiful and its breezy and nice in there and I feel like i could move right in. It doesnt look or seem like anything is wrong in there save me and the cats and the furniture aren't there.

I havent dared wear any clothes that may be contaminated in a long time because i hate being poisoned so much.

I have no idea how long I will have to wait, but I can't believe that it wont just wear off eventually.

but then it hasn't yet and im having trouble believing that as well.

I was thinking spring id open windows and that'd be good enough and id go home but that doesnt seem to be true. Now im thinking summer will be hot enough to kill this stuff. and that might be what im waiting for now.

Meanwhile im going to keep trying to heal my skin and next week im going to spend some time in the house and see how long i can do that before i get poisoned.

I feel like eventually its gotta be OK.

I wish this stuff would give me a timeline so i could enjoy my time in this apartment. It's ugly here but its not so bad if i wanted to live in an ugly apartment in this part of town. Theres a lot of stuff to walk to and im immunized now. I could enjoy my time here if I knew when I could go home.